Wish that wouldn't be granted forever

Frankly speaking, it's hard to care about other people when you yourself have problems. I do not know about the others but I could not do it in the first place. I am trying to stay focused on other things (not my studies) and somehow sometimes I could get distracted from thinking of that problem. That's a good sign I know. Everything turns out to be ok today until my aunt called.

She told me that my mum is depressed as she is sad when she heard me crying. Sometimes crying is really inevitable and this is the reason why I don't feel like calling my mum these few days because I am scared that she will be like that. My aunt said a lot of harsh words today. Every of her words were stabbing through my fragile heart. She said that I am hurting those innocent people around me. She said that I am destroying her. She said that I am useless because I couldn't pick myself up. She herself went through divorce before and she took almost one year to recover but she wished that I could recover now as she did not want to see my mum suffer again. How could I?

I am not a emotionless person eventhough sometimes I wish that I were. I told her everything takes time and she asked me how long had it been? I think the recovery time for each person is different but she often compare her 21years of marriage with my 3 years of relationship. She always said that she could forget that feelings in just one year and what is my relationship compared to hers. I told her that I will do whatever she asked because she nagged for about half and hour and make me cry again today. Sometimes I really think that I am really useless. I couldn't do things that I want. I want to be with him and I can't. Now I want to act accordingly to my own emotions and I cannot. Everything that I do, I do it for other people but not for myself. Why? I got that feeling again. The feeling of living in other people's expectiation and frankly speaking I don't want too. I wish to have freedom of expressing and doing something that I WANT to do. Just a wish and I know that it will never be granted.