The return of panic attack

The feeling of going back this time is not the same anymore. Every time when I reach Ipoh bus station, he will be the one waiting for me there. There is a sense of emptiness in my heart and I still felt like something is missing in my life. Everyone tells me time will heal, but it isn't healing me now. Time is giving me a hope and a chance to be together with him again. I don't know how to explain this. My mind keep on wandering around these few days thinking of how to get him back after the one year time.

I found out that I got a little crazy of this idea already. I called him that day in Singapore, but just kept quite and did not utter a word. I told myself that I was just playing over the phone but actually my intention was not what I was thinking. I wanted to listen to his voice so much. So much so that I rather spend money on the IDD call just to listen to him saying "Hello".

Ever since I was back in Ipoh, I felt like calling and sms him so much and Ui Cheng told me that if I sms him now he will not respond. As in he would not even reply my sms. I told myself that I wouldn't mind f he doesn't reply but I know deep inside my heart it will not turn out to be like that. Hence, at last I struggled on and prohibit myself from calling him until much later.

Ui Cheng told me to sail only until the storm is over. So I think what she said is also true. While I was happily thinking of my one year plan today, my cousin called and she discouraged me. So far no one has ever encourage me doing so except for Carrie. Hmm... I understand what my cousin said on the phone today but I was a bit sad thinking of it. She said that even if I want the relationship, she is very sure that he doesn't want it anymore. He doesn't want this relationship,friendship or what ever thing anymore. He treated as if I died already ever since he uttered those hurting words to me. I know what she is trying to tell me but I don't really know what is in his mind. Another part of me asking me to keep sticking to my one year plan.

I don't know what happen to me today. I went to friendster and see his profile and everything again. Then I clicked on that girl's profile again. I go and search for whatever I want to see. Haih...I thought I promised myself not to see his friendster and whatsoever again until after one year? I got disappointed of myself somehow. I don't know what I am doing. I had been wasting time going online to look for tips on how to get back my ex. It gave me hope somehow. Haih...hope is bad for me. Sometimes I wonder how come I couldn't forget him?When I saw that girl's photo and his on friendster, my heart starts beating fast and my hands are shaking again. My panic attack comes again. Life hasn't been so painful to live until he left me alone.