I hurt someone again!

Is hurting to know that my own problems actually hurts someone around me. Told someone about my one year plan again, she started crying when she heard me saying that. I know that is what I shouldn't do but somehow this one year plan thing keeps me move on with life now. I know it's a lie to myself and I shouldn't do this. I know, but it's just that part of me wants him back so badly that other than doing that I couldn't do anything else. She is woman whom every time I will listen to besides my mum, but this time what she said couldn't get into my mind. Sometimes I really wish that I could somehow die accidentally so that all the sufferings that I brought to those around me and myself could vanish with me.

I really felt like extending one semester of my studies. I cannot even concentrate on my studies. When I open the book I just don't feel like reading it or I will just open the book in front of me and start to think of our relationship again. People said that I am not listening to them. In fact I did listen and I know very well that he isn't worth what I am doing. I knew it! I knew it! I know I am doing something irrational but after all emotions and feelings are irrational aren't they?

I felt so much like calling him again today...in fact everyday, but I know I can't. Why can't I just stick to my plan? I sometimes don't understand myself. Maybe that's why he always take me for granted cos he knows that whatever he did I won't get angry for so long and every time when I said that I am very angry after one or two days the anger will be gone. It's time for me to really stick to my plan because I can see that if I were to continue like that it really takes me no where and this could jeopardize me. So I shall just stick to it ok? My one year plan and then I will only think of that one year plan when I got time as in when my vacation comes. Ok! I promise myself now! Now I must do it now. Cannot think about it anymore until my long vacation.

I really don't want to hurt those around me now. Everyone is tired of me I know. I am tired of myself also. I just don't want to hurt anyone again. I know you guys care and thanks for that. I really appreciate it. I think I need to be independent as all the time I had heavily rely on him and now when I am alone I felt a big part of my life is missing. As for my plan since it's making everyone so upset, I rather be hurt and upset alone. I don't want it to be other people's problem cos I love those around me and I really do. Sorry for everything.